Hello my name is...

Danielle.

If you polled every one of the people in my life, you probably wouldn't get a kind word to describe me. At least not if you asked them the first thing that comes to mind when they think of me. You'd probably hear a little of the following...

Crazy
B*tchy
Controlling
Paranoid
Psychotic
Over protective
Hypochondriac
Worrier
Over-exaggerating
Pushover
Dependent
Weak
and my ever favorite... NEUROTIC.

Now sure, some people might say something nice, but it wouldn't be what they are thinking. It wouldn't even be the truth. Even my husband would probably go with "b*tchy" because he is the one who gets the brunt of everything I go through. The one who deals with it all at the end of the day (feel free to feel sorry for him now).

Unfortunately... I can agree that I am every one of those things I have listed. At this point in my life, I have grown tired of being called all of the above. Well, for the most part. Let me go ahead and explain the few things that set this in motion.

I was told the other day (for the about the billionth time) that my daughter is going to grow up to be just like me. Years ago when I was told that, I would have thought "Well, so what? What is SO bad about being just like me? I like me!" Turns out, I finally realized what is so bad about being just like me. It would be all of those words mentioned above. I don't want my daughter to be crazy and neurotic. And I DO want her to be independent and strong. I want her to be smart and to learn something new every day.

Most of all... I definitely do not want her to be afraid of what I am afraid of. Fear IS good... however... irrational fears, which I have SO many of, are not so good. You name it, I am probably afraid of it. Which can be a blog for another day with the amount of time it will take me to list ALL of my irrational fears.

I didn't always used to be like this... having kids can do strange things to your mind (and body, but we wont even go there!). A lot of my fears stem from being afraid that something will happen to me. I am by no means a risk taker. And no one ever told me that by the time my daughter was 8 I would be afraid of anything and everything that could hurt me or my daughter... along with a few other fears that don't even make sense! No one ever gave me the heads up that I would lay in bed every night reduced to tears and worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong, giving myself panic attacks and now palpitations probably due to stress. Yes, heart palpitations.

The palpitations came about two months ago. It was between then and now that I realized something had to change. I've never been good with authority and being told what to do in any way. But, I am FORCING myself to listen to my doctors to find out what is wrong and what can be fixed so that I am healthy (fyi, they are leaning towards stress being the cause). That would be a main reason for the changes I plan to make. Another reason would be that I would love if my daughter would grow up to admire and respect me. Looking at myself right now, I do not see that happening.

I have a plan. Bear with me because I'm going to start slow (I have to, you have no idea how much I'm actually afraid of). I'm going to be... um... thirty in September (that was hard for me to actually admit, I usually say 29...again). By the time I am thirty I would like to have accomplished a few things (more on that later). But I know that my number one priority for myself is to be healthy, which means conquering some of my fears that throw me into panic attacks. And letting go a little with my daughter. That may not seem like it is going to make me healthy, but if I can get over the complete worry and panic I feel just watching my daughter walk to the bus stop by herself I can probably cut down a lot of my panic and worry. Therefor leading to less stress induced panic attacks and palpitations.

So that is the start of it. Of this... my blog. So I can keep track of what I am doing. So maybe my friends and family can help me as well through this blog.