Trying to quit... trying to not go insane

Started taking Chantix this morning to quit smoking. I designated today as my "quit date" a few weeks ago. Feel pretty good about it. I do have a nasty stomach ache probably due to the pill. But I got that the last time I tried it so I'm just going to push through it.

Week one you continue to smoke, but cut down. You take one .5 mg pill in the morning for 3 days. Then days 4 to 7 you take a .5 mg pill in the morning and in the evening. After that it is a 1mg pill twice a day... for 11 weeks. It's a 12 week program. Last time I tried the Chantix I took it for maybe a month. It was expensive so I didn't continue it, I did quit for 6 months. This time I am in for the long haul. Even if I am paying $72 a month out of pocket. My life is worth it.

I think though, I may have picked a bad time to quit. More arguing with my daughter's dad...ie. Captain Douchebag (I will now make all references to him as Capt DB). So much so that I feel I cannot take it anymore. I have spent the last 9 years trying to keep everything OUT of court for Alivia. It doesn't seem like that is in her best interest anymore. It seems as though a lawyer may be the next road taken.

Capt DB thinks I'm... well, pick an adjective mentioned in my first blog. There isn't a name he hasn't called me.

Today my daughter cried because I can't schedule a time for her friend to spend the night for her birthday (coming up in a few weeks). I can't schedule a time because her dad won't agree on anything. He wants to say I can't have her one day because it is his weekend, yet when it is my weekend he wants her part of the time. I can't take the stress anymore. It goes so much deeper but I cannot even start to explain all the crap I have to deal with. At least not right now.

So... new plan for my blog...

1. Try to make some changes in myself to be a better mother
2. Keep trying to quit smoking
3. Keep myself from going insane while dealing with court issues involving visitation for Alivia's father.

Help.


Edit (3/8/10)... I didn't quit smoking. It didn't work out as planned.

Blogging isn't working out as planned...

So much for keeping track of the changes I'm trying to make in my life. It doesn't work when I forget to do things all of the time!

Hello my name is...

Danielle.

If you polled every one of the people in my life, you probably wouldn't get a kind word to describe me. At least not if you asked them the first thing that comes to mind when they think of me. You'd probably hear a little of the following...

Crazy
B*tchy
Controlling
Paranoid
Psychotic
Over protective
Hypochondriac
Worrier
Over-exaggerating
Pushover
Dependent
Weak
and my ever favorite... NEUROTIC.

Now sure, some people might say something nice, but it wouldn't be what they are thinking. It wouldn't even be the truth. Even my husband would probably go with "b*tchy" because he is the one who gets the brunt of everything I go through. The one who deals with it all at the end of the day (feel free to feel sorry for him now).

Unfortunately... I can agree that I am every one of those things I have listed. At this point in my life, I have grown tired of being called all of the above. Well, for the most part. Let me go ahead and explain the few things that set this in motion.

I was told the other day (for the about the billionth time) that my daughter is going to grow up to be just like me. Years ago when I was told that, I would have thought "Well, so what? What is SO bad about being just like me? I like me!" Turns out, I finally realized what is so bad about being just like me. It would be all of those words mentioned above. I don't want my daughter to be crazy and neurotic. And I DO want her to be independent and strong. I want her to be smart and to learn something new every day.

Most of all... I definitely do not want her to be afraid of what I am afraid of. Fear IS good... however... irrational fears, which I have SO many of, are not so good. You name it, I am probably afraid of it. Which can be a blog for another day with the amount of time it will take me to list ALL of my irrational fears.

I didn't always used to be like this... having kids can do strange things to your mind (and body, but we wont even go there!). A lot of my fears stem from being afraid that something will happen to me. I am by no means a risk taker. And no one ever told me that by the time my daughter was 8 I would be afraid of anything and everything that could hurt me or my daughter... along with a few other fears that don't even make sense! No one ever gave me the heads up that I would lay in bed every night reduced to tears and worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong, giving myself panic attacks and now palpitations probably due to stress. Yes, heart palpitations.

The palpitations came about two months ago. It was between then and now that I realized something had to change. I've never been good with authority and being told what to do in any way. But, I am FORCING myself to listen to my doctors to find out what is wrong and what can be fixed so that I am healthy (fyi, they are leaning towards stress being the cause). That would be a main reason for the changes I plan to make. Another reason would be that I would love if my daughter would grow up to admire and respect me. Looking at myself right now, I do not see that happening.

I have a plan. Bear with me because I'm going to start slow (I have to, you have no idea how much I'm actually afraid of). I'm going to be... um... thirty in September (that was hard for me to actually admit, I usually say 29...again). By the time I am thirty I would like to have accomplished a few things (more on that later). But I know that my number one priority for myself is to be healthy, which means conquering some of my fears that throw me into panic attacks. And letting go a little with my daughter. That may not seem like it is going to make me healthy, but if I can get over the complete worry and panic I feel just watching my daughter walk to the bus stop by herself I can probably cut down a lot of my panic and worry. Therefor leading to less stress induced panic attacks and palpitations.

So that is the start of it. Of this... my blog. So I can keep track of what I am doing. So maybe my friends and family can help me as well through this blog.